BEWARE: Pumpkin Spice real, real, real EVIL

Photo illustration of Atlanta Journal Constitution photo by T. LEVETTE BAGWELL /STAFF

Photo illustration of Atlanta Journal Constitution photo by T. LEVETTE BAGWELL /STAFF

One thing has been made abundantly clear: I am the only one who knows the truly horrifying dangers of pumpkin spice flavored things.

What, you didn’t realize they are out already?

Oh yeah, pumpkin spice-flavored drinks started popping up in coffee shops and on store shelves a few weeks ago.

Once confined to, I don’t know, fall when pumpkins are harvested, pumpkin spice crept up on us like an orange spider hopped up on 14 pumpkin spice lattes.

It is the sort of horror that makes Halloween time — the time people should be downing pumpkin spice lattes — the scariest time of the year.

*Cue “Monster Mash.”

Pumpkin spice is a graveyard smash.

When will the madness stop?

Pumpkin spice in August and September is just the latest example of Madison Avenue ruining everything by pushing things out too early in the name of consumers will be consumers.

We turned our eyes when ghost and witch decorations started appearing on supermarket shelves and when giant hearts and Valentine’s Day candy boxes started showing up in December.

Where does Christmas shopping season end and begin anymore?

Now we are losing the true meaning of pumpkin spice.

Everything in it time and place has been launched out of the window.

You’ll likely read this and think that I have lost my ever-loving mind. Maybe I have.

But if I have, it is cuz the pumpkin spice made me do it.

Here are a few reasons pumpkin spice-flavored things are dangerous to the world as we know it.

THEY PROMOTE GLOBAL WARMING

Wake up! Don’t you wonder where all of these baby pumpkin spice flavors are coming from? Soylent Green is to people what pumpkin spice flavoring is to icebergs.

THEY CONTRIBUTE TO THE DELINQUENCY OF MINORS

America’s juvenile court system is NO DOUBT filled with pumpkin spice flavor obsessed no-goodniks.

THEY ARE MEAN-SPIRITED

Just look at the way pumpkin spice speak to its mother.

THEY LEAD TO THE UNTIMELY SLAUGHTER OF BABY PUMPKINS

I believe baby pumpkins are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

THEY TASTE BAD

The idea of a drinking a pumpkin spice flavored thing = yuck. More for you.

 

THEY AREN’T APPLE CIDER

There are plenty of delicious apples we should be murdering, mashing, straining and drinking.

THEY WASTE PERFECTLY GOOD SPICE FLAVORS

It is a pity that those spices will not grow up to serve our taste buds in spice rum cake or pumpkin pie. Sweet potato pie baroness Patti Labelle is surely not amused by this misuse of spice.


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