10 things to do to AVOID having the worst Fourth of July EVER

 

 Country fans gather in Ft. Loramie, Ohio for  2014 County Concert. NICK DAGGY / STAFF

Country fans gather in Ft. Loramie, Ohio for 2014 County Concert. NICK DAGGY / STAFF

It is game time.

Independence Day is not going to plan itself.

There are certain things that you really, really must have or do if you are going to celebrate the Fourth of July, my sixth favorite holiday behind National Cheese Day, Christmas, St. Patrick’s Day and Halloween and Take your Cat to the Office Day — in no particular order.

Throw things

Cliff Ford of Detroit, left, and Chuckie Love of Warren, Ohio compete during the second day of the Hamilton Cornhole Cup on Saturday, June 23, 2012. Staff photo by Samantha Grier

Cliff Ford of Detroit, left, and Chuckie Love of Warren, Ohio compete during the second day of the Hamilton Cornhole Cup on Saturday, June 23, 2012. Staff photo by Samantha Grier

You have to toss something around on the Fourth of July: a football, a horseshoe, a water balloon, volleyball, a ping-pong ball… something. There is a rule about this in the Constitution. Life, liberty and the right and responsibility to play games in your front yard, back porch or your dining room table on the Fourth of July.

Buy buns and more buns

A customer holds a mega-burger from Voltzy's Hamburger & Root Beer Stand in Moraine.  Archive photo courtesy of Voltzy's

A customer holds a mega-burger from Voltzy’s Hamburger & Root Beer Stand in Moraine.
Archive photo courtesy of Voltzy’s

Seriously, stock up. You can never have enough buns. Hamburger buns, hot dog buns, veggie dog buns, veggie hamburger buns, dill pickle-flavored buns, cheese steak buns, etc., etc. That BBQ is going to need a way to easily get to your mouth. #Themoreyouknow.

Get smaller buns

Fourth of July is Monday, which gives you a few days to get in tip-top shape. With the right diet and exercise regimen, you can go to that Fourth of July picnic with rock hard abs and buns. Who am I kidding? It is too late. At this point, you is what you is.

Wear a tank top anyway. Everybody else will.

Add glitter and stars

This is not your first rodeo is it?

Find a boatloads of patriotism

Country fans gathered in Ft. Loramie, Ohio Thursday for the 2014 County Concert. NICK DAGGY / STAFF

Country fans gathered in Ft. Loramie, Ohio Thursday for the 2014 County Concert. NICK DAGGY / STAFF

America is the best every single day. That fact is even more true on Independence Day. Repeat after me, “We’re number 1! We’re number 1!” Tell everyone. Your American Flag to bun ratio (the AF to B) on the Fourth of July should be no less than one per 12 at any given moment.

Establish a mosquito defense system

Deep Wood’s Off is not enough. Invest in some industrial strength, Amazonian Rain Forest Certified mosquito netting. Craft pants, skirts, dresses and other active wear for your extended and immediate family using the netting. They will thank you for it when they are on the covers of Vogue and Esquire magazines.

Find a quiet place

Go to that place deep inside you when the “fam” starts to be less than fab.

Screen the Sun

PHOTOGRAPH BY SUSAN POLLARD/CONTRA COSTA TIMES

PHOTOGRAPH BY SUSAN POLLARD/CONTRA COSTA TIMES

Seriously, protect your skin. I am not kidding.

Potato salad, coleslaw AND deviled eggs

Apple pie is great, but nothing says America like side dishes made with mayonnaise. A.M.E.R.I.C.A! Don’t try that oil based coleslaw mumbo jumbo either. It is unacceptable on the 4th. George Washington said as much. I am told that he knew a lot of stuff about coleslaw.

Ready your  lawn chair

You are going to have plant those buns someplace.


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